anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize