so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
