8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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