I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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