Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
