Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
