I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
