you would pick up someone in the library
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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