i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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