it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
