I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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