she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
