Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
