i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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