Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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