I can tuck mytits in my pants
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This baby is an asshole
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
