Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
