I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
