I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
