i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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