It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
