new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
