he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
