That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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