Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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