are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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