I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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