I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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