Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
