Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
