I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
