the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
