you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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