Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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