just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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