hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
