You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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