Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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