This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
