You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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