I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
