can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want to make out with him forever
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
