I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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