I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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