I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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