You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize