I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize