I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
