Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize