There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
