I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
