We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
