Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
