The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
