every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Congratulations! We have a period
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