Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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