dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
