I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
