I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
