I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
