we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
