why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
