Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My breasts were aching with rage.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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