Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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