It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
