I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
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