textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
