You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
