I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
