Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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