I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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