i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
