I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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